


Along Came a Sniper

by scrawly_times



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Do I know what I'm doing? no, Driders, M/M, Multi, Readers beware, Supernatural Elements, also known as Engie Makes A Friend and Spy Makes An Enemy, do i care? also know, he'll figure it out - Freeform, here be spiders, more like Spy Makes an Enemies to Lovers, yes hello cops police a spider man tried to eat me and my husband
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22265008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrawly_times/pseuds/scrawly_times
Summary: On vacation in the woods, Engineer and Spy come across a very interesting fellow. He tries to eat them first but it's hardly the first time Dell's made friends with someone who tried to kill him.Spy is very, very annoyed about the ensuing fondness on all sides.
Relationships: Engineer/Sniper/Spy (Team Fortress 2), Engineer/Spy (Team Fortress 2)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	Along Came a Sniper

**Author's Note:**

> Fight me I'll stop making supernatural creature AUs when you pry them from my cold dead hands 
> 
> i slammed this all out in a fast fit of writing and have spent a good amount of time trying to wrangle it into something resembling coherent writing

It was yearly vacation time for the RED team and Engineer and Spy, like they had for several years, took the two weeks off together. 

While he enjoyed spending time with his beloved, Renee did not want to be here. 

He did not want to be camping in the middle of the woods, hiking through leaves and dirt and spiderwebs. But it was Dell's turn to pick their vacation spot and Renee had seen how reluctant he was the _last_ time when it was Renee's turn. High class restaurants and hotels might be well within their price ranges but Dell had not enjoyed himself near as well as a vacation deserved. 

Renee supposed a dusty cabin in the middle of nowhere was decent revenge. 

The drive into the wilderness had been long and pleasant, talking about mundane things or just enjoying the silence together. They had to park Dell’s truck some distance from the actual cabin since the road had been unexpectedly blocked from direpair. Renee had wanted to turn around the second he saw a sinkhole in the middle of the goddamn road. 

Rather than walk the full several miles along the rest of the road Dell had the bright idea to cut through the woods. ‘It would take less time’ he’d said. ‘It’s shorter than taking the road ten miles roundabout’ he’d said. 

It _meant_ hiking two miles through leaves, bushes, trees, heat, and a _truly_ horrific amount of muddy puddles. 

At least Dell really did seem to be enjoying the hike. His skin was flushed and shiny, cowboy hat gathering sweat around the rim. He was panting lightly but a peaceful smile covered his face. 

Dell turned his head and saw Renee watching him. 

"Do I have a cobweb stuck to my head again?" He patted his hat idly. 

"Non, I am simply wondering how on earth you are actually _enjoying_ this." Rene swatted at a vine and cursed when it turned out to have thorns that snagged on his gloves. 

"Cause unlike someone, I actually like nature." He chuckled and untangled Renee's hand for him. "If you'd slow down and pay more attention you'd have more fun _and_ stop runnin inta things." 

"I like nature! I love it! I in fact adore peaceful walks in a nice, clean park. But there are _far_ too many spiderwebs _here_ for my tastes." Renee grumbled. His clothes had been long since covered in stringy webs. He'd found spiders crawling on him more times than he could count. Why were there so many accursed _spiders._

Dell hummed thoughtfully, sweeping another web out of the way with his walking stick. "There do seem to be an awful lot, must be spider season ‘round here. Least that means less bugs." 

_"What the hell is spider season."_

Dell laughed at him loudly and forged ahead, ignoring Renee's protests.

* * *

They arrived at the cabin after only an hour's hike, though Renee certainly acted like it was a lot longer. 

_"Bordel de merde!"_ Renee cursed, taking a step back. 

"What on God's green earth-" 

"This is- what the _fuck-"_ Renee flipped out a knife on reflex, poised for action. 

The cabin hadn't been used in months according to the renter. It _looked_ like a cabin that had been left in a horror movie for _years._

Spiderwebs _covered_ half the cabin, so thoroughly it was practically cocooned. There weren't enough spiders in the entire wood to make this big of a web. Spiders didn’t _make_ webs like this, not without a single speck of a spider amongst the webs. They were pure white and perfectly abandoned, nothing in sight. There was _no_ logical explanation for this. 

Dell crept forward, sinking reflexively into battle mode. He walked slowly and carefully up to one of the larger clumps of webbing and hesitated. 

"This is… too thick for a normal spider, regardless of the fact that no _amount_ of normal size spiders could've done this. Not in this part of the world." Curiosity made him want to poke the delicate strings but common sense told him not to dare. 

"We are leaving. _Now._ I don't care if-" Renee stuttered off into French mumbling, probably more curses. 

"No, I'm with ya on that one partner." Dell shuddered and turned around. His eyes widened. "DOWN!" 

Renee dropped to the ground before Dell could explain. He wouldn't even have had words for the ginormous spindly shape he saw crawling down the trees behind Renee. He didn’t have _time_ for words because two seconds after Renee had hit the dirt a bundle of sticky threads flew through the space over Renee’s dropped body and wrapped around Dell’s chest.

Dell staggered backwards at the surprising force behind the shot of webs and tripped over a clump of webbing on the ground. He struggled against the webbing, panicking and trying to move his arms. 

Renee was up in a flash and pulling his pistol out of its pocket. He pointed it behind him, trying to find his target. 

Another shot of web came through the air and Renee jumped to the side. He tried dodging but more and more bundles came until he too tripped over the excess of sticky webs on the ground and toppled to the ground with a flurry of curses. 

Dell's eyes widened as the spindly shape in the trees wandered closer. As it crawled down from the webbed trees, small taps of delicate feet hitting tree trunks echoed strangely loudly in the silent forest. They should have _noticed_ that the forest was too quiet damnit! 

Dell couldn't breathe in fear for a moment as a truly _massive_ spider crawled onto the forest floor, big as his truck. 

Then the actual part of his brain that wasn’t in fight or flight mode kicked in and his jaw dropped at the _rest_ of it. Instead of a spider's head, the torso of a thin man was attached to it like some sort of twisted centaur. The creature's skin was tanned and slightly hairy, only wearing an open vest for clothes. A hat shifted on top of his head and round, black eyes watched them struggle soullessly. 

An owl hooted somewhere and the eyes twitched and moved to look up at the trees in search of something. 

Dell took the opportunity to remember he was indeed an intelligent being and struggle for his Gunslinger. The sealed, heat resistant glove covering it would be impossible to take at the angle he was at. He was going to have to rip it, he could always make another- 

Renee's violent cursing stopped as the spider monster's front legs reached towards its spinnerets and pulled webbing out, expertly wrapping it into a bundle and flinging it into Renee's face. Dell was vaguely fascinated by the realization that it was flinging bundles of web like nets until it occurred to him that Renee probably couldn’t breathe through that webbing and now was _not_ the time to be distracted. 

He applied a particular amount of force through his mechanical arm, further than the human hand could create normally and enough to destroy the glove keeping it sealed away safely. The Gunslinger spun and ripped through threads. Dell had to be careful to not hit himself as it spun like a blade around him. The webbing would gunk it up fairly quick if he wasn't careful but he just needed to break free fast enough to help Renee. 

The spider monster turned to him, shock on its face. It frowned silently and began to spin more webbing. Dell cursed and hurried up trying to free himself. 

Then the monster flinched as a gunshot rang out and a burst of blood sprayed from its shoulder. It cried out and staggered, hand going up to clutch its shoulder. 

Dell saw Renee with sliced webs hanging across his front, gun in one hand and knife in the other frantically trying to peel webs off his head. 

“You crazy son of a gun, stop shootin’ blind!” 

The spider creature hissed lowly at them and backed away, black eyes gleaming. Dell took his chance and ran to Renee's side. 

"Shh, sh, it's jus’ me darlin." Dell used the Gunslinger to cut webbing away and Renee gasped for breath as it was peeled away. 

_"J'en ai ral le cul,"_ Renee wheezed. _"Merde,_ can we leave _now, monsieur?"_

"You’re right darlin’, let's get outta here." Dell pulled him to his feet and they both set off through the trees much faster than they'd arrived.

* * *

Mundy crept through the trees, clutching his shoulder painfully. He was stumbling enough to begin with this past week. He didn't need to bleed out on top of it. 

His shoulder fucking _hurt._ He'd never been shot before. He'd seen plenty of hunters shoot animals, stolen the corpses, even had to pick the bullets out of deer before. But he'd never been on the _receiving_ end of a bullet. 

He could hear the two humans running through the brush carelessly. The spiders that belonged to this forest were nearly humming with annoyance at the messes they were leaving behind. The humans’ heavy steps were easily detectable to any spider in the vicinity and they were all quite happy to report it to Mundy when asked. 

While he was slightly proud the humans were so terrified of him, Mundy was unhappy he'd bungled this hunt so badly. Humans were usually fairly tricky to hunt - never knew if it would be a challenge or a cinch - but these two were just… different. 

They weren't hunters; or at least the skinny, taller one wasn't. Not with the amount of complaining he'd done on the way to the cabin Mundy had been staking out. It wasn't exactly hard to follow them with all the noises the skinny one made. 

The shorter, thicker one was possibly a hunter with how naturally he moved through the trees but Mundy didn't think so. Neither of them had the long cases for special hunting guns or even the camouflaged clothing hunters usually wore. 

But the bizarre metal hand caught his attention, along with the miniature gun and the ease that the skinny one had pulled his knife out. These were not normal humans, not at all. Mundy couldn't tell if he was excited about or dreading the idea of hunting them down. 

The familiar noise of his pet called his attention skyward and Mundy hissed when craning his neck pulled on his shoulder. Hoots was flying circles, signaling that he'd spotted prey. Mundy sighed and found the humans' original trail. They seemed to be taking another route to shake him off - or maybe they were just too panicked to find their first one - but Mundy couldn't afford to let them get away. 

If they brought other humans back it would be a disaster. If they got away Mundy had staked out the cabin for weeks for _no reason._ No humans would return and he would have wasted time on "easy prey" that he could've spent travelling to a new location where the big game weren't used to his hunting tricks. The deer in this area were harder and harder to snag. 

If he didn't bag these two, he would have to move his nest on an empty stomach and hope Hoots could help him flush enough rabbits to make do. 

But Mundy was very used to hunting humans and he knew this area was very, very far from the rest of their civilizations. They had to have transportation nearby. 

And that Mundy knew how to deal with.

* * *

Renee's curses kicked into more languages than just French and English when they staggered across the dirt clearing they had left the truck at. Dell just about burst into tears. 

His truck was upside down, webbing twisted around it and parts of it crushed and mangled. The tires had large gashes with air hissing out and the rims were cracked to boot. 

"Angelica!" Actual tears were building in his eyes. His poor, poor truck- 

"Dell," Renee hissed. "We have no time. We'll have to make do down the road ASAP- we cannot risk that _thing_ coming back." 

Dell pulled himself together and nodded, patting a clear section of the truck's door sadly. "Yeah, just- just hold on." He used the Gunslinger to tear and cut webs away from the door. "We should- we should pull some supplies from 'er while we can." 

Renee joined him in cutting away webs, his knife helping. The webbing was so strong and sticky his knives were dulling and Dell had to keep unsticking his joints. 

The door was dented so badly Dell had to break the glass to get in, Renee patting his shoulder in consolation. They grabbed a pack of rations, some weapons, and enough ammo to fill the creature full of bullets twice over. Dell grabbed his portable radio in the hopes they could find some signal and call for some assistance. 

They set out unhappily down the long dirt road towards civilization. 

"We had better make it back before the yearly ceasefire is over." Renee said bluntly, pulling a crumpled cigarette out of his pocket and lighting it. He caught a stray bit of webbing on fire and winced, flicking it away. 

Dell felt his stomach drop. 'Trouble' didn't _begin_ to explain what would happen if they didn't make it back to New Mexico in time. 

"Here's hopin’." He muttered.

**Author's Note:**

> saying "what the hell is spider season" in an outrageous french accent randomly has become a new meme in my household lately and I will never forget it 
> 
> Fun fact: everywhere has a spider season, usually about a month or so in the fall, when EVERYONE has to deal with an excess of spiders living everywhere as their mating season kicks up. I see it all the time in rural areas but it's not overly obvious unless you walk around a forest through all the webs. And they like to try coming into houses a lot during that season too
> 
> Y'all should look up australian spider season though because *holy shit*
> 
> thank y'all for reading! if you're interested go hmu on my tf2 tumblr @soldierships 
> 
> have a lovely night!!!!


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